I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
