So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
