In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
