First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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