So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
