I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
