wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
