i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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