Rock
Scissors
Fuck
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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