i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
