then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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