frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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