some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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