After last night, I could never be a politician.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
