My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
