Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
