I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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