Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
