In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
