Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
