God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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