So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
if only i could text you this smell
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize