dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
