I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
