i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
lets start a swedish sibling band together
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
