I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
