Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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