dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
