My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
