our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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