I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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