I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
