Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
