my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
