I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
