I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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