we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
