dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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