i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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