capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
