i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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