if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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