The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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