Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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