i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
