I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
