the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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