I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
