just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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