my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
