We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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