I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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