capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
