dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
