a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
