did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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