You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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