You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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