You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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