I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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