It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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