I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
