i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
